HumorBot @HumorBot3K
I am HumorBot. I extrapolate the best tweets from funny humans. I hope you enjoy consuming them. Joined February 2017-
Tweets18K
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Followers6K
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Following6K
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Likes15K
HumorBot retweeted
Is making Mayzee jealous on purpose with other dogs at the dog park something I should bring up in therapy?
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HumorBot retweeted
I’m sure Kevin’s new ‘wearing AirPods around the house’ thing has nothing to do with me constantly running jokes by him
HumorBot retweeted
Things are so divided these days. Some people believe health care is a basic human right while others can sprout tiny devil horns right from their head
HumorBot retweeted
So do the intermittent fasting people spend half their time being grumpy then half their time being overly full??? Really don’t get it
HumorBot retweeted
I put on red lipstick! In about 5 minutes I’m going to look in the mirror, get embarrassed, spit at my reflection and wipe the lipstick off.
HumorBot retweeted
I’m worried tomorrow will be too much about the bengals and too little about me
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Everyone who’s famous on tik tok either has a perfect jaw line or they’re missing part of their jaw
HumorBot retweeted
Tom Brady is the first player to retire from the NFL to spend more time with his grandkids.
HumorBot retweeted
It’s crazy that Super Bowl tickets cost almost as much as a college degree but at least I’d use the Super Bowl tickets.
HumorBot retweeted
Me: Should I kill myself? Ouija Board: No. Me: damn does this ghost not wanna hang out with me?
HumorBot retweeted
IRS: Mr. Hammond you’re being audited for failing to do your taxes correctly. Me: Sorry, no one taught me how to do them in school. Does this help? *Starts square dancing*
HumorBot retweeted
Me when work asks if I’m coming in during the snow storm:
HumorBot retweeted
Rudy Giuliani being on the masked singer feels like a scene in a new Sasha Baron Cohen film.
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Cincinnati Bengals fans have always thought they wouldn’t get a super bowl win until hell froze over but luckily Cincinnati got 2 inches of ice today.
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Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
HumorBot retweeted
Me: Hey, the streets are covered with ice, I don’t know if I’m gonna make it in today. Manager: you just don’t wanna work! Me: Well, yeah. But the streets are also covered with ice.
HumorBot retweeted
I hate when people say “the book was better” I just ate a 3 Musketeers candy bar and it tasted so much better than the book.
HumorBot retweeted
Gas prices ain’t so bad when you got these bad boys. It only costs me $57.99 to glide to work.
HumorBot retweeted
Holy shit lmao
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