Maria @divabeme
Hey baby, you lost? Let’s make bad choices together. I like #humor and #retweets and I’m in D movies. Skin cancer survivor & awareness spreader. skincancer.org/get-involved/s… Santa Monica, CA Joined June 2018-
Tweets1K
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Followers203
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Following535
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Likes1K
Maria retweeted
Not to brag but I know what’s going on.
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Maria retweeted
If you don’t remember his name in the morning, take him to Starbucks.
Maria retweeted
If you reuse a pan to warm something up in the oven, the original user of the pan still has to wash the pan. Sorry, I don't make the rules.
Maria retweeted
That point in your career where you start calling your job your career.
Maria retweeted
I'm just a man, a man struggling to open a plastic vegetable bag at the grocery store.
Maria retweeted
I just bought 75 more yards of tulle. Midlife crisis over.
Maria retweeted
The best Batman is obviously the Lego Batman. TED Talk over.
Maria retweeted
Never ask a woman for clarification more than once. There are consequences for not understanding her.
Maria retweeted
In my spare time I like to charge things
Maria retweeted
Adulthood is just nonstop scrolling and sadness.
Maria retweeted
Plot twist: We could have flying cars now but someone has rightfully thought better of it.
Maria retweeted
My whole day is nothing but a battle to get back to my sofa.
Maria retweeted
Yup... and just when you think life can’t throw any more at you.... You find out you were wrong....
Maria retweeted
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war Him: Vietnam? Me: Thumb
Maria retweeted
Sometimes the Tetris piece you get isn't the piece that you want or the piece that you need, but the piece you deserve.
Maria retweeted
How many tit pics does it take to get to the center of attention?
Maria retweeted
The wings aren’t spicy enough unless your scalp tingles
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