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For so long I didn’t understand why women were so obsessed with vampire male characters in movies and TV shows. Twilight, True Blood, Vampire Diaries, etc and now I realized they’re the only guys who would be excited about a girl being on her period
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Set a one hour time limit for daily social media use, and then spend the other 23 hours texting friends to see what’s happening on social media
“Sorry I behaved that way, I was in a really weird place” me, my entire life
If a prison cell doesn’t get you, the cancer cells will #OJ
Valentine’s Day falling on Ash Wednesday has to be the loneliest day of all time for a single Jew
The most important Usher at the SuperBowl this year is whichever one escorts Taylor Swift to her seat
The security guards at Macys don’t even look like they’re in good enough shape to get away with shoplifting themselves
The most popular rehab in 10 years will be for recovering social media addicts
Not only is Taylor Swift one of the first women to be a billionaire, but she’s also one of the first women to admit that she’s the problem, it’s her
Starting to see results at the gym. Been going to Equinox for a couple months and people are already complimenting me on my sense of humor
If you don’t think Jews control the media and the weather, the second the writers strike ended in NYC, the weather got too bad to do anything but stay home and write
The writers strike makes everyday feel like a Jewish holiday because nobody in Hollywood is working
I think Rosh Hashana is 2 nights because Jewish Moms can’t fit all their criticism of their children into one evening
Synagogues are the only place I don’t have to remind people it’s Rosh Hashana
The only thing I’ve ever built on my own is a sandwich
If you use the phrase “he’s no spring chicken”, you’re definitely no spring chicken
We don’t know if God is a woman but the algorithm definitely is because I can never figure out what it wants
The big difference between comedians and flights is when comedians get canceled they can still take off
Writers: I won’t write until the strike is over! Michael Bay : new movie idea! air pollution in NYC kills everyone!
I live near Times Square so I can barely notice a difference in air quality today
Sam Morril @sammorril
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gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi
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Nancy S @FryUSOQXTjXYxID
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maya ✨ @mayackcb
5 Followers 160 Following 18 🍒 spam acc /: just made spicy page... and i need someone to make content with ✝︎
Stacey Amanda A @stacey_a65157
4 Followers 249 Following complete body massage and mind relaxation💆♂️📌 stress relief, pain relief,all muscle problem😎 📌Door step service👌 📌 send me a DM for appointment👍🫶
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WeOwnTheLaughs @WeOwnTheLaughs
441 Followers 2K Following Always laugh at life, because it’s actually pretty funny! #LaughAtLife
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15 Followers 327 Following I am very welcoming and above all open to all discussions without taboos. But respect for oneself as well as for others is necessarily important 💘✨😍
Andrew @andrw_clark
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karate @thekarate
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Master Carter @Babyj260
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Comedy Vault @comedy_vault
440 Followers 399 Following Comedy club offering live standup comedy and entertainment from popular, local, and national comedians in the Chicago suburb of Batavia.
NYCC Stamford @NyccStamford
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Mark John @E94760Ephicien
3 Followers 89 Following Health benefits of mushroom Decrease the risk of cancer. Lower sodium intake Promote lower cholesterol Protect brain health Provide a source of vitamin D Stimul
Michael Regilio @Michaelregilio1
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Hattie McHatterson (A... @metalfreakneo
520 Followers 3K Following QA engineer & aspiring tech billionaire. Writes & draws to manage #OCD & #anxiety. Old enough to know Duke Nukem. Young enough to know Harambe.
Hattie Arrt McHatters... @metalfreakneo2
30 Followers 63 Following Tech Viking is out for blood, sweat, and purpose | I procrastinate, therefore, I am (⌐■-■) | Old enough to know Duke Nukem
William Curtis @OmegaGreenbean
98 Followers 915 Following TV watcher. Music listener. ABBA lives forever. Battlestar Galactica still flies high. Be the Bear! Mercer '87!
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Nmittss @nmittss
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David Rankin @CasaRankin
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benplaragano @bPlagensFox31
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Aminah Imani @aminahimani
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Max Sutherland @max_sutherland_
130 Followers 174 Following
Alex McDonald @alexmac627
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Sam Morril @sammorril
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Jared Freid @jtrain56
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gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi
216K Followers 7K Following “you miss 100% of the shots you take” -my high school basketball coach
mark normand @marknorm
562K Followers 417 Following New York Comedienne. New hour special "Out To Lunch" on the Youtubes now!! My pod: "Tuesdays with Stories” or “We Might be Drunk” Link 👇👇 Praise Allah!
Josh Gondelman @joshgondelman
177K Followers 3K Following Year round iced coffee drinker. Stand-up special "People Pleaser" out now. Previously: Last Week Tonight, Mrs. Maisel, Head Writer/EP Desus & Mero.
Mike Cannon @IamMikeCannon
15K Followers 1K Following stand up | Tour Dates | Beautiful Boys podcast | new special “Traumatized Animal” | all links 👇🏼
CORINNE FISHER @PhilanthropyGal
59K Followers 3K Following 🎤Stand-up comic, author, active citizen 🖤🖤🖤🖤🗽Former New York City Mayoral Candidate 2025
New York Comedy Club @nycomedyclub
13K Followers 2K Following The best stand up in NY with locations in Midtown, East Village, Upper West Side, and Stamford CT @nyccstamford
Mike Recine @mikerecine
52K Followers 3K Following The Tom T. Hall of standup comedy. I also wrote a book called Funny Scary Stories for Kids and you can download it for free on my website.
S A M M Y @samuelhmorrison
9K Followers 5K Following Sugar Daddy in LA 9/20 - 10/13 Tix & tour alerts ⬇️
Alyssa Limperis @alyssalimp
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J.P. McDade @jp_mcdade
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Elon Altman @ElonAltman
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Casey James Salengo @caseyJsalengo
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yannispappas @yannispappas
207K Followers 775 Following mostly jokes on here, but also an occasional edict! all specials on YouTube & @historyhyenas
Bethy Squires @BethyBSQU
2K Followers 796 Following Boozy Sassmouth @moviebarpod @drunkhistory. Bylines @vulture @splitsider @curbed she/her
Jon Zella @jonzella
892 Followers 607 Following 631 | 315. Washed-up hockey player. Drummer for violet. Historian. Comms Pro. #isles @nassaumenhockey. Thoughts are my own.
Zahra Ali @ReallyZahra
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Bill Schulz @BillSchulz
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Michael Harrison @MichaelHComedy
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Mark Brady @MarkBradyyy
1K Followers 399 Following Man of comedy. Winner of NCs Funniest https://t.co/iHhBvGc9CY. Also checkout our VR gaming channel https://t.co/bMKNgLrkuy
Dan LaMorte @DanLaMorte
37K Followers 22K Following On stage, on the spectrum. A stand-up comedian and ultra-runner based in NYC. Upcoming tour dates can be found below ⬇️
Dan Pulzello @DanPulzello
7K Followers 1K Following New York Comedian, New Jersey Boy, Newt Gingrich
gregradin @AGRistweeting
41 Followers 81 Following if I follow you and you don't follow me, I assume it's because of anti Semitism
Matthew Broussard @mondaypunday
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yonatan neumann @yonatanneumann
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Mia Jackson @miacomedy
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John Clark @JClarkNBCS
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Erica Spera @Spericaa
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LeBron James @KingJames
54.4M Followers 182 Following EST. AKRON - ST.V/M Class of '03 https://t.co/TrZZrgA5Yt #IPROMISE
Pat Brown @PatBrownShow
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Whitney Cummings @WhitneyCummings
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