LOL @My Parenting @LOLMyParenting
Mother of 3/Stays at home/Writes stuff/Speaks in fragments Illinois, USA Joined December 2017-
Tweets754
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Followers2K
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Following3K
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Likes3K
Me: 🎵Just keep swimming Just keep swimming Just keep swimming swimming swimming Just keep swimming Just kee- Red Lobster employee: Ma'am, please step away from the tank.
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Me: Can you repeat my order, please? Drive-thru attendant: 1 large Pepsi and a cheeseburger with no mayo, no pickles, and no onions. Me: Aren't you forgetting something? DTA : *sigh* We'll also remove the diggety and the doubt. Me: That a girl.
I hope that everyone is having a great weekend except for the person who gifted my kids kinetic sand. I hope your favorite TV show gets canceled.
LOL @My Parenting retweeted
Netflix: Here's a movie we think you'd like. Me: No thanks. Netflix: But this movie is seriously trending right now. Me: Yeah. I'll pass. Netflix: This is literally the most popular movie on the entire planet. Me: I'm just not interes- Netflix: WATCH.THE FREAKING. MOVIE.
LOL @My Parenting retweeted
Me: Well, I'm pretty good at 3-digit subtraction. Need ten more? Go borrow from next door. Stuff like that. My therapist: I meant...What are your biggest takeaways from today's session?
@karanbirtinna My stories usually start off with three drinks and end with charges too. Just replace the phone with a DUI.
Habitat: local gas stations Hobbies: swearing, gambling, and selling loose cigarettes to minors Diet: beef jerky, bourbon, and the souls of innocent children
This is Garibaldo from Brazil! He may look scary, but he’s one of the nicest birds I know!
LOL @My Parenting retweeted
Draymond said he was in the gym last night with his son DJ, who replied “No I wasn’t.” 😂 Hilarious 💀 (via @957thegame)
Fun fact: Scuba diving in a public dolphin tank is a serious trespassing crime, punishable by a 6-month jail sentence and up to $1500 in fines! On a...completely unrelated note, does anyone have about $1477 dollars that I can borrow?
@simoncholland I feel like the first "bless you" has unlimited sneeze coverage. Kinda like an insurance policy for all future sneezes.
@karanbirtinna Nice try, scammer. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish planning my Nigerian uncle's funeral. I'm getting a pretty hefty inheritance from the email he sent me.
LOL @My Parenting retweeted
When a teen emerges from their room on the weekend, dads are required to say, "It's alive!"
@mommajessiec I refill dipping sauces and ask "Which one is the blue team?" during tense game moments. It's all about speaking his love language.
LOL @My Parenting retweeted
I requested more vacation time from my boss but she ignored me and told me to fold her blankie and get her some juice.
Me: *Walks into the room with nachos and wine* Who's ready to get this partaaaaay started?! Yoga class instructor: You don't belong here.
@ThatEricAlper Wow. When I did this I only got a pack of cigarettes and a plea bargain deal. So unfair.
Me: I still don't get why I'm being banned over cologne, but OK. Twitter security team: We've explained several times that Elon Musk is a person. Yet, you've continually emailed us asking for "those little samples that come on a stick."
LOL @My Parenting retweeted
Me: The kids are napping. You wanna...? *raises eyebrows seductively* Husband: Eat an entire pumpkin pie without them?! Me: Yep. I'll get the forks!
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