Lex Files @Lex_Files

Parenting college student. Land-locked. If Darryl & Meredith had a baby. Currently trying to absorb all things data science. she/her, they/them Joined September 2012

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Lex Files @Lex_Files

4 years ago

When you have a split mattress how do you pick which side to fuck on

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An employee just walked in to the bathroom off this small waiting room, pooped enthusiastically, walked out without washing his hands, and left the door open so now everything smells. Thank God we are "getting back to normal", really missed this.

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Lex Files @Lex_Files

4 years ago

@LilahSturges My son, age 3, while falling asleep "None of this is real" "What's not real?" "Anything"

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Lex Files @Lex_Files

4 years ago

@ericszyszka @hitRECordJoe Eric

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Lex Files @Lex_Files

4 years ago

Whoever holds my student loans and keeps emailing me every week to set up my autopay so I will be ready when payments start back up (lol nice try) is going to be PISSED

philip lewis @Phil_Lewis_

4 years ago

WASHINGTON (AP) — US official says White House to extend pandemic pause on student loan repayments through Aug. 31.

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Lex Files @Lex_Files

4 years ago

@EloiseFaichney I am *exclusively* on the Internet

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Lex Files @Lex_Files

4 years ago

@davewaitecomedy Season 1 Michael Scott

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Lex Files @Lex_Files

4 years ago

@melanielynskey My 6yo told me while snuggling that my pokemon is Jigglypuff because I'm jiggly and puffy and that's why laying on me is her favorite place to be 😊

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Lex Files @Lex_Files

5 years ago

I can't imagine how upset the photographer was when Joseph, like a toddler, made direct eye contact as he shit in the hottub

Gerry Canavan (parody) @gerrycanavan

5 years ago

this is the ideal male body — you may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

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Lex Files @Lex_Files

5 years ago

My mom called to say that two of her co-workers tested positive this weekend, and my sister got sent home sick from work so she went to hang out at my mom's until it was time to pick up kids from school and ahhhhhhhhgghggh

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Lex Files @Lex_Files

5 years ago

The RN at my drs office really asked me, while taking my blood pressure, if at any time in the past 2 weeks have I felt extremely depressed or hopeless. I paused a minute, then laughed. She didn't laugh along so I said "probably not". Whew, close call.

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Lex Files @Lex_Files

5 years ago

@FilmCritHULK Kingdom Hearts 2 - the entire game was easy peasy but fun, the final boss was impossibly hard. Never did beat him.

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Lex Files @Lex_Files

5 years ago

@IanColdwater I got a really good one at Costco last year

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Lex Files @Lex_Files

5 years ago

@RMC974 Haha she'd never consent to me posting a video, but basically she gets all squirrelly and says high-pitched "hypothetically speaking!" followed by something ridiculous. It's a delight.

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whalefact @awhalefact

5 years ago

the cdc just said it’s okay to kiss a whale gently on the forehead

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Lex Files @Lex_Files

5 years ago

@awhalefact Well then stay still

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Lex Files @Lex_Files

5 years ago

Been trying to calm my mom's manic Xmasing for years, to get her to stop expecting all us grown kids to come home every Christmas and spoiling our rotten kids. Now my dad is dead & she wanted to spend her day alone. My wish was granted, but I think most likely by an evil genie.

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Lex Files @Lex_Files

5 years ago

@PFTompkins I told them Santa is a fun story, not a real dude. The only person they need to try to impress is me. Some other kids believe he's real so don't spoil it for them. My son was cool w it until 1st grade, he was convinced I was lying and Santa was indeed real 🤷