Tom Waits Theme Park @ThemeTom

“Calista Takes a Pie” - After a Barker announces “It’s Christmastime!!!” Guests rush through a series of 14 decommissioned Bergdorf-Goodman revolving doors, then are put through a horrific clockwork based on Chaplin’s gauntlet in “Modern Times”. Survivors attend to the dead.

“The Silvery Eyes of Clemson” - Under a Wolf Moon, Guests slice button onions & recite passages of Coleridge in time with an Austrian Bronze Gramophone, culture tubes glued under their eyes. Their tears are consolidated & used to season our world-famous Bacon Dagwoods.

“Bleed All About It” - Dressed as Newsies, Guests are led into a makeshift arena near the docks to engage in gladiatorial combat w/ strike breakers, recreating the New York Newsboy Strike of 1899. 2 lucky guests will be chosen to portray Hearst & Pulitzer, then summarily beaten.

“Jeremiah’s Magic Mop” - Guests sluice red Georgia clay into corrugated aluminum siding once used as a makeshift goose pen behind the Battle Creek Sanitarium to find the illustrated love story etched into it by Old Chester and his gosling, Hadrian.

“Hemlock in the Radiator” - In the spirit of goddamn traditional holiday pageants, Guests stand on the roof of a genuine William Krisel house and push an assortment of homemade Raggedy Andy dolls down through the chimney until they rupture the flue.

“Last Eel” - Guests pilot sunbleached raven-shaped paddleboats through a river of prison hooch in a tunnel once used to smuggle five-hooved goats. In case of a sighting of Cecil, a local Minotaur, Guests are armed with a railroad spike from the 1st line to go through Topeka.

“A Waltz for Spoons McKenzie” - Wearing chartreuse cherub masks, newsboy hats, & comically oversized britches, Guests pogo-stick into a mostly-cleared WWI minefield while Belvedere makes his award-winning jambalaya. (The secret ingredient is the tear he sheds for his lost love)

“Mulberry Court” - After running through a gauntlet of lace doilies with needlecraft depicting abandoned soup kitchens in copper thread, Guests separate into teams, drink a gallon of pomegranate cider per person, and play Dumb Crambo until somebody vomits blood.

We are happy to affirm that after a prolonged episode including several of the staff spreading a toothy strain of the French Pox, we’re preparing to reopen our various delights and amusements to the paying public. Tickets will be a sawbuck, extra for a shot of Kerblammo.

We regret to inform our fans (and the Sad Clowns’ Union local 454) that between the virus and a factory recall of our asbestos breathing helmets we will remain shuttered for the time being. If you see a Macaque wearing our branded suspenders, kindly trap and return to us.

During the pestilence we’re hard at work making sure that regular afflictions like good old lockjaw will be our biggest problem once we reopen. Currently working on engineering for “Clamjam,” the world’s most death-defying Babycoaster.

NOTICE: We didn’t close for Barrel Fever, Bronze John, or Mad Cow, but we have to announce that we’re indefinitely shuttering our iron gates effective today. We look forward to re-opening our novelties, likely under older management, as soon as this horseman passes.

“Yousef’s Piñata” - In the vanguard of a Tramp Streamer phalanx, Guests are taken to Fellini’s Island of Lost Ambitions. Donning mumus, natives perform the works of Euripides, while Urislav the Unready improvises the score on his Mizmar. Please don’t feed the carrier pigeons.

“The Bella Contessa” - While in Festo’s Oyster Cellar, engaged in a group meditation accompanied by recordings of the survivors of the Wisconsin Death Trip, Guests keep their eyes closed & reassemble discarded tricycle parts into usable prosthetic hands for the Merchant Marines.

“Sluice the Wound, Marjorie” - In a meat-rendering plant, converted into a shallot-greenhouse then into an orphanage, Guests use billyclubs covered with ochre yarn doilies to corral a murder of newborn ravens through a series of stringless harp frames and ultimately freedom.

“Gentleman Proudfoot” - On a derelict Ice Rink covered in slate, Guests don “Chalk Skates” & recreate the works of Edvard Munch. When Ingvar the Soporific starts playing his Celesta, an army of syphilitic farriers wielding eraser-feet converge to undo everything. Ouzo provided.

“Dusty’s Stovepipes” - Guests who paid for a Vaudeville revue are handed non-stretch polypropelene Y-Brace suspenders, Eagle-blood caked flat-handled scalpels, & a gross of organic rutabaga carved into Rottweiler faces. Suspended over the stage, they dance to the Clavichord.

“Don’t Return My Respirator” - In what remains of the fallen timbers of Goodtime Charley’s & overlooking a tallow renderer, Guests douse themselves in sulfur & release a swarm of Harvester carnivorous butterflies from the passenger compartment of an Argo Fore-Drive electric car.

“Bone Thistle” - In the burned-out remnants of a contraband puppy mill once used to breed Mini-Griffon Bruxellois, Guests are bound in groups of 3, back-to-back w/ 4’ sheets of cellophane & encouraged to eat Gramps Gebhard’s bronze-award-winning Cajun Jambalaya while he watches.

Ma’am, our trained team of security Cinnamon Bears have been alerted to your return to The Park & all sixteen of them are currently unicycling toward your location wearing maroon fezzes with cobalt tassels. You might want to cup your hands behind your neck & lay supine and still.

Dagmar Struwe @Applebooey

8 years ago

@ThemeTom This is poor writing! Real poor!

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