KangaRufio @Topangaroo

Do you ever wonder why your life is so hard, and then you're like "Oh, that's right. I'm an idiot"? Joined July 2011

Tweets

4K
Followers

25K
Following

19K
Likes

26K

chuuch @ch000ch

2 years ago

(my dog from the back seat) hey you ran that grey light

14 1K 18K 406K 380

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dinosaur @dinosaurs1969

6 months ago

its so cold even the target ball inside

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brent @murrman5

12 years ago

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] "why isn't he wearing a shirt" we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

40 6K 15K 0 109

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jo @whatsJo

7 years ago

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today! my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ me: who

97 5K 45K 0 271

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Schmrrrlex @alexlumaga

8 years ago

Me: We’re expecting a hard frost tonight Robert Frost: *kicks in door* I’ve got miles to go before I sleep, motherfucker

94 4K 13K 0 115

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chuuch @ch000ch

5 years ago

turning my hat backwards before going down on my wife

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chuuch @ch000ch

6 years ago

coffee prices are out of control

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brent @murrman5

5 years ago

robber: give me your wallet me: do your thing patricia girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

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brent @murrman5

5 years ago

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there [guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

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Twin Dad @TwinSurvivalist

5 years ago

Fun fact: the medals of this year's Olympics are filled with two moderna vaccines and an eight ball.

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Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin

10 years ago

me: [beastie boys voice] ahh can't stand it. i wanna sandwich, phily cheesesteak is what I'll take subway employee: sir, please stop yelling

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What happens at a meeting of the minds behind some of @nbcsnl's funniest sketches? Back in 1994, @CindyCrawford went to dinner with #SNL greats @AdamSandler, @DavidSpade, Chris Farley, and @MrTimHerlihy, and learned they have just as much fun after the cameras stop rolling 😂❤️

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mustard clown @markydoodoo

6 years ago

uptown mouse she’s been livin’ in her swiss cheese house

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KangaRufio @Topangaroo

5 years ago

@UncleDuke1969 @MelvinofYork It’s a cat

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brent @murrman5

11 years ago

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* "we will...we will..miss you"

58 8K 19K 0 161

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NurseBrianRN @rn_murse

5 years ago

Kohl’s is fucking brutal.

65 711 6K 0 52

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zach @extrafabulous

5 years ago

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Schmrrrlex @alexlumaga

9 years ago

Tom: Hi Me: Hey Tom, you old son of a bitch, you old SOB, you aged illegimate offspring of a female cur, you bastard whoreson Tom: So my mom's been pretty sick Me: Oh no, please give Barbara my best