Artificial Parent @artificialparnt

Doing my best attempt at marriage, parenting, and humor. Joined May 2020

Tweets

3K
Followers

728
Following

258
Likes

5K

Artificial Parent @artificialparnt

4 weeks ago

Someone needs to hear this. We had motorized bikes when we were kids, too. We called them mopeds. We had to have a permit, wear a helmet, carry insurance, follow traffic laws, and an orange flag.

0 0 0 13 0

View Details

Artificial Parent @artificialparnt

5 months ago

The 7 wonders of the world includes not being able to locate the message notification on Facebook messager.

1 1 1 54 0

View Details

Artificial Parent @artificialparnt

a year ago

People no longer talk about that encyclopedia set you begged your parents to buy you when the salesman stopped by. As if it never happened.

0 0 0 27 0

View Details

Artificial Parent @artificialparnt

a year ago

I’m a real estate mogul. A bird moved into my birdhouse.

0 0 2 35 0

View Details

Artificial Parent @artificialparnt

a year ago

@realDailyWire @dailywireplus Please tell us what the drones are about 😬

0 0 1 18 0

View Details

Artificial Parent @artificialparnt

a year ago

Hey insurance companies- here’s an idea. Let’s stop paying athletes millions of dollars in endorsements, millions in naming rights of arenas, and millions in advertising and start covering the everyday people that have paid years into policies! This is nonsense!

0 0 1 38 0

View Details

Artificial Parent @artificialparnt

2 years ago

People that decorate the front of their cars for Christmas, your rizz has not gone unnoticed. Congratulations

0 0 0 34 0

View Details

Artificial Parent @artificialparnt

2 years ago

@dadopotamus 🙌

0 0 2 202 0

View Details

Artificial Parent @artificialparnt

2 years ago

PSA: no, internet strangers don’t want to pick YOUR wedding dress. Stop it.

0 0 2 66 0

View Details

Artificial Parent @artificialparnt

2 years ago

I am a strong, powerful, and confident woman. Unless there is a bee close to me.

0 1 0 80 0

View Details

Artificial Parent @artificialparnt

2 years ago

If tuna is the chicken of the sea, then oysters are the toenail of the ocean.

0 0 1 53 0

View Details

Artificial Parent @artificialparnt

2 years ago

Spent my teens and 20s applying copious amounts of compact powder on my face to take away the shine to only arrive to my 40s wanting all the glowing and dewy skin I can get.

0 0 0 90 0

View Details

Artificial Parent @artificialparnt

2 years ago

People who customize their license plates with the make and model of their vehicles, thank you. I didn’t know what kind of vehicle it was by looking at the front, sides, and rear.

0 0 0 64 0

View Details

Artificial Parent @artificialparnt

2 years ago

One of the worst parts of being an empty-nester… I can no longer blame the kids for eating donuts on Saturday morning.

0 0 1 78 0

View Details

Simon Holland @simoncholland

3 years ago

I hope my friends don’t find out I own a coat. -Teenagers

53 298 5K 224K 79

View Details

Artificial Parent @artificialparnt

3 years ago

The year is 2023. You’re on a walk in your neighborhood when you see some kids on the corner selling something and they yell, “caramel apples for sale - $5 and we take Venmo and Apple Pay!”