Artificial Parent @artificialparnt
Doing my best attempt at marriage, parenting, and humor. Joined May 2020-
Tweets3K
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Followers728
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Following258
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Likes5K
Someone needs to hear this. We had motorized bikes when we were kids, too. We called them mopeds. We had to have a permit, wear a helmet, carry insurance, follow traffic laws, and an orange flag.
The 7 wonders of the world includes not being able to locate the message notification on Facebook messager.
People no longer talk about that encyclopedia set you begged your parents to buy you when the salesman stopped by. As if it never happened.
I’m a real estate mogul. A bird moved into my birdhouse.
@realDailyWire @dailywireplus Please tell us what the drones are about 😬
Hey insurance companies- here’s an idea. Let’s stop paying athletes millions of dollars in endorsements, millions in naming rights of arenas, and millions in advertising and start covering the everyday people that have paid years into policies! This is nonsense!
People that decorate the front of their cars for Christmas, your rizz has not gone unnoticed. Congratulations
PSA: no, internet strangers don’t want to pick YOUR wedding dress. Stop it.
I am a strong, powerful, and confident woman. Unless there is a bee close to me.
If tuna is the chicken of the sea, then oysters are the toenail of the ocean.
Spent my teens and 20s applying copious amounts of compact powder on my face to take away the shine to only arrive to my 40s wanting all the glowing and dewy skin I can get.
People who customize their license plates with the make and model of their vehicles, thank you. I didn’t know what kind of vehicle it was by looking at the front, sides, and rear.
One of the worst parts of being an empty-nester… I can no longer blame the kids for eating donuts on Saturday morning.
I hope my friends don’t find out I own a coat. -Teenagers
The year is 2023. You’re on a walk in your neighborhood when you see some kids on the corner selling something and they yell, “caramel apples for sale - $5 and we take Venmo and Apple Pay!”
If you give a kid a snack, you feed him for 15 min. If you teach a kid to get his own snack, he'll empty the pantry in a single day.
I had the brilliant idea of getting @ChickfilA at 9pm and apparently 299 other people did as well.
When two consenting adults come together and decide to eat ice cream for dinner, it’s magical.
Dang, my ankle hurts! *remembers a frozen pack of chicken falling out of the freezer earlier that morning striking ankle
Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
31K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...
@sherisayssit @sherisayssit
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Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2
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redyellowgreendance �... @RYGdance
4K Followers 872 Following Mom to two hilariously quotable boys. Link to my tweets: https://t.co/fEivqY0S59
I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
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Kevin The Dad @kevinthedad
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom
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Twinstant Family | Li... @twinstantfamily
3K Followers 930 Following Twitter is just like real life. I talk about my kids and our life only to find out I’m just talking to myself. 100% mom, wife, mess. #IVF #ASD
Mommeh Dearest @mommeh_dearest
8K Followers 1K Following There is no Mommy, only Zuul.✨Be excellent to each other✨Peep my tweets in the link below 👇🏻🖕🏻 Fuck the Patriarchy
Snarky Mommy @SnarkyMommy78
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Professional Worrier @pro_worrier_
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Raw Motherhood @MetteAngerhofer
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The Real Rodney Lacro... @RealRodLacroix
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Jacana Mommy @jacanamommy
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That Mom Tho @mom_tho
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Robert Knop @FatherWithTwins
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Be Kind Of Witty @bekindofwitty
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sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
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Maryfairyboberry🧚�... @maryfairybobrry
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Me -WhatDoYouWant MyN... @Me49246786
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Victoria Harding @VictoriaHa31004
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Zachary Willig @ZachW2987
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Penny Jane 🇺🇲�... @pennyjane799
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MammasJourney @MammasJourney
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Genevieve McCutchen-T... @GenneMcC
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Yournew Momfriend @NewMomFriend
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SUNPENNY @SUNPENNYSAFE
152 Followers 5K Following Concerned about safety issues for kids in & around the home. Lookin for tips & tricks to help parents keep their kids safe & healthy! #clearthelist #childsafety
Kelly Rzendzian @_KellBelle
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Ally RaeAnn Neugent @AllyRaeAnn
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Dad@Home @Dad_at_Home_
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Ponytail N. Glasses @ponyglasses
259 Followers 160 Following Thoughts from my ponytail. Follow me on Instagram @ponyglasses
Karen Humphrey @MrsHumph25
47 Followers 146 Following A mother, wife and lover of cake sharing the odd thing from her life 🙂
Aliette Silva @AlietteSilva
92 Followers 110 Following Aliette Silva🇺🇸🇨🇺 Writer when I'm not chasing my kids👨👩👧👧 Musings from my life🤣🩷 Meme and 🥓 connoisseur✌️ Sign up for my newsletter👇
The Mama Yoda @TheMamaYoda
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baby breezy @NoNameGhayamyan
956 Followers 5K Following
Almost Sane Mom @almost_sane_mom
3K Followers 3K Following Children's book author - Mom of three boys 👦🏻🧒🏻👶🏻 - Trying to keep my sanity 🙃 #momofboys #outnumbered #childrensbooks #author ❤️🇮🇱
Pete Roberts @605stat
335 Followers 320 Following The South Dakota stat man...I stat high school and college athletic events throughout the Mount Rushmore State.
EcolitKids @EcolitKids
14 Followers 130 Following
нᥲ𝗍ᥱ мᥱ ¢... @uhhLEXtra
3K Followers 5K Following ✞ •• ωιƒєу ⚯ ℳ𝒶𝓂𝒶ˣ ² + sᴛᴇᴘᵐᵒᵐ • 90ѕ вαву ძᥱᥲᥣіᥒg ᥕ /ᥴһᥲ᥆s, sһі𝗍s & gіggᥣᥱs 24/7 •• ᐯ ᙭ᐯ ᗰᗰ᙭᙭ • • тαυяυѕ ☼ •• ♏︎ ☪︎ •• ♍︎⇡
Worst Luck Family @WorstLuckFamily
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Katie Marreel @KatieMarreel
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Mommy Needs a Life @momneedsalife3
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Electric Cicada @electricicada
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Lacy Reese @LacyNReese1
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Leah @LBH84
100 Followers 1K Following
Sister Sledge @carleenbean
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Hannah Swanson @HannahRSwanson
37 Followers 343 Following
Peace, Love & Sarcasm @plsarcasm
1 Followers 83 Following
The Meme King @TMKEmporium
972 Followers 2K Following Only memes and jokes on this feed. Every meme I post is made by me. If you're easily offended, you might want to block me. One meme a day
Mama's Lap @mamas_lap
67 Followers 759 Following Introducing Mama'slap, the ultimate destination for modern mamas and their little ones! Our blog is your go-to resource for all things motherhood.
Se @simple_parents
0 Followers 9 Following
Moms Club Reject @MomsClubReject
21 Followers 101 Following 👩🏻💻 Blogger •👋🏼 Mom of two feral boys 🚞 Permanent rider of the hot mess express • ❤️ Follow for brutal honesty, humor, support, and sarcasm
oogiebear @myoogiebear
769 Followers 594 Following 🐻 Baby health products 🧡 Made to help babies & parents breathe easier 👩🏻⚕️ Doctor designed + Mom tested 🦈 As seen on Shark Tank
IG: Millennial Misery @MillennialMise1
291 Followers 130 Following 💻Memes for Millennials ✨Nostalgia is a drug a don’t mind abusing 👩🏼💻 sister Twitter @humorousresour1
Northeast Cincinnati ... @NECPeds
103 Followers 229 Following Dedicated to serving our community with high quality and compassionate pediatric medical care.
Thewannabeadventuremo... @beadventuremom
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Dadman Standing @dadmann_walking
59K Followers 1K Following introvert. dad of 3 boys. not interested. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My link https://t.co/X1R5q5BtIr seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor
Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
31K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...
@sherisayssit @sherisayssit
13K Followers 1K Following Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield https://t.co/PEkz5e55qc
Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2
3K Followers 2K Following I say things ✨NYC mom✨writer @mcsweeneys @slackjawhumor @huffpost @the_belladonnas @scarymommy @littleoldlady__ @ummuddy @havencomedy @frazzledhumor
redyellowgreendance �... @RYGdance
4K Followers 872 Following Mom to two hilariously quotable boys. Link to my tweets: https://t.co/fEivqY0S59
I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 968 Following *humor account* | writer | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇
Kevin The Dad @kevinthedad
13K Followers 856 Following Husband. Dad. Co-creator of 2 cool kids. I write fun stories about the shenanigans I experience as a parent!
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom
15K Followers 832 Following mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable || my tweets ➡️ https://t.co/Fwl0uhBPZD
Twinstant Family | Li... @twinstantfamily
3K Followers 930 Following Twitter is just like real life. I talk about my kids and our life only to find out I’m just talking to myself. 100% mom, wife, mess. #IVF #ASD
Snarky Mommy @SnarkyMommy78
36K Followers 2K Following venting snarkily about motherhood and raging angrily about the current president
NicholasG @Dad_At_Law
21K Followers 4K Following Protagonist for the People in court. Yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*
Professional Worrier @pro_worrier_
26K Followers 2K Following My mother was a hamster and my father smelled of elderberries.
Raw Motherhood @MetteAngerhofer
7K Followers 2K Following Slightly frazzled mother of three. Writer. Not a domestic goddess. Find me on Instagram: https://t.co/WkCmZXMf6U
The Real Rodney Lacro... @RealRodLacroix
45K Followers 8K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmLu5i | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/F2vUtf3nx6
Jacana Mommy @jacanamommy
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That Mom Tho @mom_tho
45K Followers 2K Following contributor @scarymommy [email protected] Tweets: https://t.co/5zWeBtUUx6
Robert Knop @FatherWithTwins
19K Followers 4K Following Big fan of my twin teen boys and my wife. As seen on: @HuffPostParents, @mashable, @parentsmagazine, @BuzzFeed, @TODAYshow. Insta and FB: @Fatherwithtwins
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
51K Followers 6K Following Gen Xer with opinions, observations, and a sense of humor. Loves animals more than most people. LA 📍
Maryfairyboberry🧚�... @maryfairybobrry
40K Followers 6K Following Keeping my kids humble, one bad joke at a time. Autism Acceptance, Ocean
Karoline Leavitt @PressSec
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Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
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Ponytail N. Glasses @ponyglasses
259 Followers 160 Following Thoughts from my ponytail. Follow me on Instagram @ponyglasses
Mumnipotent Ruler @MumOfTw0
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Aliette Silva @AlietteSilva
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Bari Weiss @bariweiss
1.1M Followers 6K Following Editor-in-Chief @thefp and @CBSNews Host of @thehonestlypod Founder of @nelliebowles fan club
IG: Millennial Misery @MillennialMise1
291 Followers 130 Following 💻Memes for Millennials ✨Nostalgia is a drug a don’t mind abusing 👩🏼💻 sister Twitter @humorousresour1
The Bump @thebump
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Ron DeSantis @RonDeSantis
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Ron DeSantis @GovRonDeSantis
6.0M Followers 1 Following 46th Governor of the great state of Florida.
Ben Shapiro @benshapiro
8.7M Followers 504 Following Daily Wire co-founder, host of @benshapiroshow, #1 NYT bestselling author, America’s #1 ex-rapper. Order my new book, Lions and Scavengers below
Momma G @TheOnlyMommaG
15K Followers 5K Following “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe”
Halloween Horror Nigh... @HorrorNightsORL
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Badass Moms Club @badassmomlife
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Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy
24K Followers 4K Following 𝕌𝕟𝕒𝕡𝕠𝕝𝕠𝕘𝕖𝕥𝕚𝕔𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪 𝔻𝕠𝕡𝕖 ℝ𝕒𝕔𝕔𝕠𝕠𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕦𝕣 𝕊𝕒𝕦𝕤𝕒𝕘𝕖 𝔼𝕘𝕘 𝕄𝕔𝕄𝕦𝕗𝕗𝕚𝕟 𝔼𝕟𝕥𝕙𝕦𝕤𝕚𝕒𝕤t
Pregnancy & Newborn @pnmag
50K Followers 3K Following •Take what you need, mama: uncensored motherhood, laughter, solidarity, support. •Helping moms through pregnancy, postpartum, & beyond for 15+ years
kidversations @kidversations_
5K Followers 433 Following Conversations with Kids https://t.co/eOgLeX9U7M
Bre @fullofmomsense
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kindminds_smarthearts @kindminds_
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Out of Control Parent... @oocparental
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Walt Disney World @WaltDisneyWorld
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Empowering Parents @Emp_Parents
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Joe Williamson @thatnerddad
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Kris Jenner @KrisJenner
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tinasugandh @TinaSugandh
10K Followers 77 Following 3 KIDS, NO stretch marks products + daily skinlove for all available NOW at https://t.co/Yq6ITZ1O9U
meghan @deloisivete
23K Followers 3K Following surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link below
😺Cat😺 @CatHunterESPN
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Momtastic @itsmomtastic
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Universal Orlando Res... @UniversalORL
694K Followers 68 Following The one with the big Globe out front in Orlando.
the Mom TruthBomb @momTruthBomb
7K Followers 1K Following Being a Mom is unbelievably rewarding, except for when it makes you want to sob uncontrollably. https://t.co/wzrOWbfqH2
The Mom at Law® @TheMomAtLaw
4K Followers 877 Following Attorney. Writer. Mom. https://t.co/bymTdaq9Br
MommyingHard @MommyingHard
4K Followers 1K Following Working mom in her 30s trying to hold it together. 2 kids, 3 if counting husband, 2 dogs. Sharing your daily dose of mom-edy moments.
Adam @adamgreattweet
58K Followers 2K Following Dog owner but she doesn’t know I’m on here. Parody account. He/Him

















