KRUNCH @benrixen
Died in the 90s Joined January 2009-
Tweets3K
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Followers208
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Following17
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Likes6K
Can't believe I got hacked but at least the hacker got me forty new followers before I got the account back.
There was a guy at my high school who would normally greet me with "yo, where the weed at?" and there was another guy who usually said "yo, where the bitches at?" to me and I never once knew the answer but they just kept asking every week. I assume the weed was with the bitches.
I've been watering down a lot of my jokes the past two years so nobody gets offended and yesterday I received a very angry email from water.
Had to leave the orgy after just 15 min when I noticed there wasn't a good mix of minorities involved. Be better.
When a curvy woman walks past you, the gentlemanly thing to do is count three Mississippis before turning to look at her rear. Add two more Mississippis if she's with her boyfriend.
The button on my pants came off and the only thing I had in my car that would keep my pants up was a usb cable.
Two recent pie charts.
I don't like it when people refer to me as "the fat guy." I prefer "food blogger," even though I don't do that second part.
I'm okay, you're okay. Everything is okay. We keep two fire extinguishers around. We lost 3 cats and 4 horses but that was due to the careless magician.
You could learn every arousal move there is and still never get a woman to scream like she does when she unexpectedly sees a snake.
Some of you have never listened to Bjork at full blast while having sex in a moving Subaru and it shows.
I put out vegan cheese for mice, gotta be considerate of dietary restrictions. Dairy isn't good for them.
Restaurant prices are outrageous these days, even the shitty ones, I used to rely on those shitty ones...
Why didn't anyone tell me about Argentinian women? Slight new obsession.
My favorite Beatles' song is the one where John Lennon notices there wasn't a chair.
If you don't think sex is gross, you're not doing it correctly.
One of the advantages of being fat during this woke era is that I can eat pasta for breakfast and people can't say shit about it.
Don't get mad at birds for doing any bird things, it's all they know.
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