chef niko @nikobetch
im not tweeting the dumb jokes on this account #gfy Joined August 2010-
Tweets34K
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Followers7K
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Following736
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Likes169
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."
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"Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species."
"I handed my passport to the immigration officer, and he looked at it and looked at me and said, 'What are you?'"
"Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists."
"The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old."
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
"We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder."
"The politicians were talking themselves red, white and blue in the face."
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."
"Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near."
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
"Television is a medium because anything well done is rare."
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
"Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed."
"I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still."
"If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend."
"If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal."
"I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."
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