softwareDevManager @softwareDevMan1

Please stay tuned while we make adjustments to the uh .… “algorithm”

ALL MANAGERS: you cannot offer your staff a $1 raise this year because we spent $300,000,000 dollars on union busting consultants. Be on the lookout for anyone who wants a living wage and report them immediately.

To celebrate our mandatory return to office next week, a number of unvaccinated employees will be cooking pancakes for everyone. Attendance is mandatory.

Our lawyers have determined that vaccination status is not a protected class. This means I can literally fire you people for any reason I like and say it's because you're unvaccinated.

ATTENTION WEST COAST TEAM: I booked a 4:30 AM Pacific Time meeting on Monday to discuss the issues with the singly linked list in the head node. I know this seems really early but it's not because I'm on the east coast.

For the coding portion of today's interview, we'll just use this shared Google doc with no syntax highlighting. Also, you can't use any third-party resources or do anything you would normally do when actually at work.

@elonmusk google.com how to stop employees at my company from seeing my tweet

@elonmusk App store fees are why we're laying off our dev teams and offshoring everything. This decision definitely has nothing to do with our inability to produce a product that anyone wants. I checked.

ATTENTION ALL EMPLOYEES: The rumors of impending layoffs due to offshoring are completely unfounded and all of your jobs are secure. In fact, we're projecting huge growth in our profitability for totally unrelated reasons.

ATTENTION #SHAREHOLDERS: In order to save money without reducing product quality, we'll be #offshoring all #software development, #testing , and #support. Expect significant growth in your share value soon.

Due to ongoing #softwaredevelopment resource shortfalls, we have to de-list one of our core values. All employees vote now for the value you want to give up.

ATTENTION SOFTWARE DEV TEAM: new corporate policy requires managers to be people managers and not just fuckin genius rockstar innovators. So, you will all be receiving performance reviews. To start, I need all of you to introduce yourselves to me and explain what you do here.

ATTENTION ALL STAFF the recent #COVID19 related layoffs have everything to do with #COVID19 and nothing to do with years of precarious debt buildup and irresponsible rounds of investment into a company without a compelling product or viable market strategy. Thank you.

ATTENTION ALL TEAM MEMBERS: The next person to complains about debugging code is going to start writing their code like this lady.

ALL STAFF: Due to the attrition caused by #COVIDー19, healthy employees will need to work evenings and weekends to make up for productivity drops until such time as they become infected themselves and are no longer capable of working.

No, Karen, #Social_Distancing doesn't mean you have to wait a certain amount of time between when Greg commits his code and when you commit yours.

#covid-19 update: SoftwareDevCorp is dedicated to protecting our employees' wellbeing. All employees should now work from home to minimize risk of exposure to the virus. You will be expected to work during the time you would normally spend commuting to the office. Thanks.

ALL QA PEOPLE: we need to reduce average issue age. When you find a bug, instead of reporting it, make the technical writers document it in the manual. That way our metrics get better and it stops being a bug and becomes a feature. Everybody wins.

Who wants to help me destroy all these resumes so we can prove to the government that we need to outsource the latest job postings to China?

ALL STAFF: Due to a great Series B, all employees will receive raises, bonus, and new laptops. Our future depends on you, and we'll spare no expense to ensure your success. Except the #it department. Fuck those guys. #technews #technology #Investment