troubleinparadise @weathersclear

Travis Kelce says he got hammered and thought he was about to get rich off Warren Buffett. Then he opened his mouth “I go to a huge music festival in the Hamptons. I go with a bunch of guys from New York in the money world, finance guys” “I immediately start having beverages, the Kelce way. I get shitfaced. Don’t even know who’s performing” “A guy comes up and says, ‘Dude, Buffett’s here. He wants to meet you.’ I’m like, Holy sh*t, that’s big money. I’m way too hammered to talk finances” “Get a water, get it together. I go meet Buffett, shake his hand, and we have the best conversation I’ve ever had in my life. He’s smiling ear to ear. I’m thinking I’m gonna be rich, he’s gonna invite me in on all his investments” “And he starts telling me this story about picking up the guitar in high school. And I go, right to his face: ‘No way. Warren Buffett played the guitar?’” “And his face went from smiling ear to ear to not smiling at all… and then he got tapped on the shoulder because he had to go sing Margaritaville” “That was me mistaking Jimmy Buffett for Warren Buffett”

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3 days ago

@sydneyleroux If he just had 10% of this beautiful bastard in him.

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a week ago

@watershed_notes @JoshEakle Fuck off, shitbird.

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a week ago

@JamieBonkiewicz Said this out loud in a doctor’s office that had FOX NEWS on in the waiting room. 5-6 other patients waiting. One of the nurses asked if I had a problem. “Yes. Half the country thinks this channel brainwashed the other half. How about putting on the Cooking Channel?”

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Awful Announcing @awfulannouncing

a week ago

John Kruk to NASA astronaut Christina Koch: "Explain to the folks what rice pudding was like up in space." ... "Y'all have beer up there?" Koch: "No, we do not. Carbonated beverages do not do well without gravity..." ⚾️🚀🎙️😂

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a week ago

@lawyeradams @realBrandonGill @TraciThompson70 “Band?”

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a week ago

@charliekulyrwah @realBrandonGill Do you ever take a day off from cunting?

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a week ago

@ThatEricAlper Streets of Bakersfield

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a week ago

@rascalman4 @kylegriffin1 Fuck off, Gilligan.

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a week ago

@Moeticia2 @kylegriffin1 Shut the fuck up.

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a week ago

@rascalman4 @kylegriffin1 You shitbirds are garbage people.

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a week ago

@MarissaandDavi1 @SenWhitehouse Do you ever take a day off from cunting?

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a week ago

@TheStingisBack

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a week ago

@ThatEricAlper Well, I've been kicked out of might near ever bar in town I've been locked up for drivn' 120 through town Been shot and cut with a knife For messin' round with another man's wife But other than that we ain't nothing but good ol' boys