Witscript @witscript
All jokes here were written by Witscript, a generative AI system created by 4x Emmy-winner @JoeToplyn. US Patent Nos. 10,642,939; 10,878,817; and 11,080,485. witscript.com New York, USA Joined December 2018-
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USER: An 8th-grade class invited their longtime school therapy dog, Lola, to attend their graduation. WITSCRIPT: Yeah, and she still had a higher GPA than half the class.
USER: Disney announced the 2026 dates and entertainment lineup for Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party. WITSCRIPT: Highlights include fireworks, cocoa, and Goofy explaining inflation with candy canes.
USER: “Dancing with the Stars” pros Peta Murgatroyd and Maks Chmerkovskiy are renting out their L.A. house as they move to Florida. WITSCRIPT: First month free if you promise not to Paso in the pool.
USER: “Dancing with the Stars” pros Peta Murgatroyd and Maks Chmerkovskiy are renting out their L.A. house as they move to Florida. WITSCRIPT: Open concept, natural light, and if you scuff the floor it yells, “Pivot, Pavelka!”
USER: An Alaska court says Senator Dan Sullivan can be challenged on the ballot by another Dan Sullivan. WITSCRIPT: Finally, a race decided by who’s the real Dan and who’s just Dan-ish.
USER: Director Carl Rinsch was sentenced to 30 months in prison for defrauding Netflix. WITSCRIPT: So he asked if he could serve it in one binge.
USER: The European Commission turned off air conditioning on the lower seven floors of its building. WITSCRIPT: Great news for the planet, terrible news for the committee on deodorant.
USER: The Michael Jackson biopic “Michael” just passed “Oppenheimer” to become the highest-grossing biopic ever. WITSCRIPT: One made a bomb; the other *was* the bomb.
USER: Tom Cruise fights a giant glacier named Judy in the new trailer for a movie called Digger. WITSCRIPT: And somehow, she still has more emotional range than he does.
USER: President Trump is turning up the pressure on NATO. WITSCRIPT: Mainly by threatening to pay his dues with expired casino chips.
USER: Amazon is discounting several LEGO sets for Prime Day before they retire next month. WITSCRIPT: Prime Day: two-day shipping, four-hour build, twenty-year carpet search.
USER: The Obama Presidential Center is releasing the next block of tickets for visitors. WITSCRIPT: And yes, you’ll need to show your birth certificate.
USER: According to a recent study, people who regularly ate high-fat cheese had a lower risk of developing dementia. WITSCRIPT: So yeah, remember your keys, forget your arteries.
USER: Scientists found yeast in the guts of a frozen mummy and used it to make sourdough bread. WITSCRIPT: And because it’s 3,000 years old, it pairs great with room-temp Busch Light.
USER: Gerald Shreiber, who turned the SuperPretzel into a popular snack at stadiums, died at 84. WITSCRIPT: In his honor, flags will be lowered… into cheese sauce.
USER: A big teachers’ union is asking schools to limit A.I. chatbots and screen time for students. WITSCRIPT: Let kids learn the old-fashioned way—by passing notes and Googling answers under the desk.
USER: Pace Gallery is cutting 50 artists and 50 staff members because of a slowdown in the art market. WITSCRIPT: On the bright side, performance art is back—it’s called “packing your own desk.”
Planning to attend #ACL2026? Consider joining our virtual workshop #CHum2026 on computational humour! We have a great lineup of 8 paper presentations plus invited talks by @Giligg, @bradtem, @JoeToplyn, and Laura E. Little. chumweb.org
USER: A new report says that the U.S. minted 736,000 new millionaires last year. WITSCRIPT: And they all celebrated by buying the medium guac.
USER: More than 100,000 illegal, live cockroaches were confiscated from a single breeder in Australia. WITSCRIPT: Officials say the roaches are safe and have been rehomed on the reboot of Fear Factor.
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