Ted Humor @Truthful_Humor
No matter how sad I am...I will still make you smile & laugh. (No affiliation with Ted). Parody Joined October 2012-
Tweets3K
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Followers25K
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Following19K
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Likes0
When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people's eyes
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't except it back.
Everything I like is illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
I always have to wet my toothbrush, put the toothpaste on, then rewet my toothbrush in order for me to brush my teeth.
Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.
Wishing my friend's houses were connected to mine by secret tunnels.
If spiders ever realize that people are terrified of them, we're f*cked.
I don't see dead people, I see people I wish were dead.
Secretly hoping that bitch will step on a lego.
I know I should respect your opinion but I find that difficult because you're a fucking idiot.
Don't ask for my opinion and get mad when I tell you the truth.
By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you blocked and deleted. You may now kiss my ass.
I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?
I hate when people don't know how to whisper.
"Want my last piece of gum?" - Said by no one, ever.
Boy: "Wanna hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long." Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."
*being tickled* In movies: Aww! Stop it!“ *giggles* In reality: IF YOU DON’T STOP I WILL CHOP YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF“
Normal Person Flirting: "Hey, babe(: what's goin on?" Me Flirting: "Your face. I like that shit."
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