Andy Herald @AndyHerald
đ @HowToBeADad. Humorist. Designer. Beard owner. Originator of #bananaforscale https://t.co/4KzPfLbqb8 howtobeadad.com Pasadena, CA Joined February 2012-
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Has anyone tried reminding all these old billionaires that theyâre going to die like the rest of us? âCause it really feels like they forgot that part.
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Me: Iâm pretty easy going, very chill Anyone: *pronounces the L in salmon* Me: *eye twitching commences*
I have now called my wifeâs phone to help her find it more times than the total number of times Iâve called anyone ever in my entire life.
Andy Herald retweeted
1000 Dad Jokes launch today! Iâm passing the torch to my son amazon.com/dp/1681887606/
Andy Herald retweeted
"âWhy are fish easy to weigh?â âBecause they have their own scales.â @HowToBeADad presents Dad jokes: Hall of Shame. Available now! Order here: amzn.to/3agVok9
Getting turned into a vampire would be the worst thing for me. I canât sleep on my back and wouldnât be able to curl up and turn over in a coffin. Eternal insomnia.
This zoom meeting could have easily been a phone meeting that should have been an email.
We had pizza tonight and as I brought the steaming triangle of deliciousness to my face my son put his hand on my arm and said, âDad. Youâre gonna burn your mouth. Like last time.â And lemme tell ya, I felt both seen and loved.
Andy Herald retweeted
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Iâm starting to get the idea that âpre-coffee meâ is now just... all of the time me.
I know Iâm not a BAD dad, but when I meet someone and they say âyour son has told me all about youâ I wait to hear a little more before unclenching.
Me, a dad: *scrunches up nose* Uhh... uhh... Entire family: *claps hands over their ears against the conclusive boom of my impending sneeze*
Do you ever go grocery shopping on the weekend and think, actual starving is probably not that bad as far as alternatives go
When I tell my kid âyou missed a spot,â by spot I usual mean everything. You missed pretty much absolutely everything.
I miss the age when the things I worried about were windowless vans, quicksand and the Bermuda Triangle, instead of worrying about every single thing in the world all of the time.
After a long conversation with my wife I now admit that âbuckle the fuck up, buttercupâ was probably not the best response to our friends announcing their first pregnancy.
Wife: do that thing I like. Me: *winks seductively* *walks over to the closet and grabs the candy we hide from the kids*
Andy Herald retweeted
Raise your hand if your #ElfOnTheShelf has overstayed his welcome:đ @DraggingFeeties @Mangonemamma @AndyHerald care.com/c/stories/1655⊠#parenthood #holidayseason
Candy that you steal from your kidâs Halloween stash just hits different.
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